I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
