Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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