two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
