The brown eye won't let me do that either.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
