I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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