I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
