dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize