i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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