Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
