I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
