It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
