Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
