note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
