tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
