Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
