So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
