You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
