I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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