I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
