i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
