I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
