Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
