the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
