The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
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