Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
my shit smells like andre
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My liver just had a heart attack.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
