mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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