I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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