Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just had sex on a roof
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
