Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
