So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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