You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
