I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
