Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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