i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
