I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
