i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
