glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
