I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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