Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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