Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
