This is not my ceiling
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
