so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
