I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
