just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
