i just wanna soil my oats bro
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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