Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
