She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
