what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
