I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
two words: eviction party
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
