Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
