OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
