I'm eating all of the evidence.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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