Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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