at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
