And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
