My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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