I want to stick my p in your. b.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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