Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Randomize
