my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
