I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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