I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
