You can't motorboat a personality
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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