dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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